Lost Chronicles: Manhood & She-Kent
BY KENT ROBERTS (KPI)
The following interview of Kent Roberts was conducted by Kent Roberts several months ago. We pulled it out of the archives to serve as the inaugural “Lost Chronicles.” The interview is noteworthy because it mentions the She-Kent, although this candidate was an imposter.
Kent: Why are you so obsessed with “being a man”?
Kent: I think because it’s virtually impossible for me to achieve. I’m chronically immature.
Kent: You mean you’re a boy, or a teenager? Do you feel more like a 10-year-old or a 17-year-old?
Kent: I feel like a 37-year-old who values his freedom but is disinterested in being serious.
Kent: Hm. What’s with this jackass next to us who’s talking about his loan payments on a cell phone in a coffeehouse?
Kent: Right. Anyone who’s not a completely self-absorbed dick would talk outside.
Kent: I don’t know. The weather though…
Kent: Yeah it’s – let’s check – awesome. I can understand why he didn’t want to step outside.
Kent: Back to you: Fill me in on your love life. I hear your people have made contact with the She-Kent.
Kent: My “people”? I did. The staff of Kent has been hounding me, but they haven’t actually interacted with her.
Kent: Is she familiar with the publication?
Kent: I think she’s read one issue. I don’t think it’s entirely fair that you want to incorporate her into the publication in some way.
Kent: Well, she has to realize that you are a public man.
Kent: You could just not talk about her, and no one would know the difference.
Kent: Are you asking me to be an unethical journalist, to conceal the truth from the public?
Kent: I guess I don’t see Kent as falling under the same guidelines –
Kent: You don’t think we are a serious enterprise?
Kent: I just think the rules are a little looser with an 8 ½” x 11” handed to people around town.
Kent: Oh, so you believe that the distribution method and format render the content illegitimate?
Kent: I just think there’s a little more… poetic license with Kent than there is with, say, the New York Times.
Kent: Have you gone mad?
Kent: Me? You take this publication too seriously. It’s –
Kent: I take you seriously, sir. I take you seriously. [Farts]
Kent: Well… I appreciate your commitment to cover various aspects of my life. It’s certainly admirable considering how much I get ignored by the mainstream media. I respect what you do.
Kent: Really? You aren’t just saying that?
Kent: I… don’t think it’s possible for me to lie to you. If nothing else, it would be extraordinarily difficult to successfully lie to you. Let’s face it: you have eyes and ears in all corners.
Kent: Well, that means a lot.
Kent: The She-Kent candidate, though…
Kent: She is part of the news. It’s as simple as that.
Kent: I still think you don’t have to always give the public what they want. Before long, you have the Roman Colosseum.
Kent: We have to keep the reader engaged.
Kent: There are other values in life besides getting attention for your writing, Kent.
Kent: This is about Kent. It’s not just about me.
Kent: Well, I’m glad you can at least see the bigger picture.
Volume 13, Issue 1
THE GREENERY ISSUE
Johnny-Come-Punctually: Kent Roberts
Executive Dir. of Feelings: Kent Roberts
Kentphorism: Use the force, centrifugal force, if you ever have to throw a discus or design carnival rides.
Write to Kent: [email protected]
Breathe Heavily for 5 Minutes to Support Self-Research: (727) 667-8229
© Copyright 2014 If Kent Touched a Woman’s Breasts Last Night, Then It Was Totally Awesome.
© Copyright 2014 Kent is Often Convinced That Time is Not Calibrated Correctly with Itself.
© Copyright 2014 Kent Talks To His Plant and Is Convinced That the Plant Can Hear Him.