Golden Boy Status Evading Kent Roberts
BY KENT ROBERTS (KPI)
Since 1977, Kent Roberts has been training for the official role of Golden Boy of Kentself. He has been driven toward this designation by the gradually germinating seed planted in his mind at the age of seven by an anonymous and unauthorized, though well-credentialed, psychological agriculturalist. The sprouting seed has overtaken all doubt in Kent’s mind that he might in fact be destined to plateau as a silver boy, bronze boy, wooden boy, plastic boy, or bubblegum boy (it should be noted that platinum and titanium boys do not exist, despite the valiant efforts of Matthew McConaughey, White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, and the Dalai Lama).
To continue his ascendancy into golden boy selfhood, Kent has been at work night and day – including during REM sleep – talking to Kentself to determine the best path forward to optimize his body, mind, and spirit. All in all, he has been incredibly unsuccessful in his efforts.
“Kent is not yet where he wants to be,” confided an anonymous source inside Roberts’ mind. “It’s good that he set the bar so high, though, because it’s forcing him to stretch out his arms, as if for a lifesaver – the drowning-prevention equipment, not the candy… although he might stretch harder if candy were also involved.”
“That man inspires us to do what we do,” said Kent executive-assistant-to-the-executive-assistant Kent Roberts, “for better and worse. The fire in his belly cooks our dinner – except for the rolls. We get those from a bakery.”
By Kent Roberts [G+]
Volume 13, Issue 1
THE GREENERY ISSUE
Johnny-Come-Punctually: Kent Roberts
Executive Dir. of Feelings: Kent Roberts
Kentphorism: Use the force, centrifugal force, if you ever have to throw a discus or design carnival rides.
Write to Kent: [email protected]
Breathe Heavily for 5 Minutes to Support Self-Research: (727) 667-8229
© Copyright 2014 If Kent Touched a Woman’s Breasts Last Night, Then It Was Totally Awesome.
© Copyright 2014 Kent is Often Convinced That Time is Not Calibrated Correctly with Itself.
© Copyright 2014 Kent Talks To His Plant and Is Convinced That the Plant Can Hear Him.