22 things you should know about me, Kent Roberts (#16)
by Kent Roberts, TGIKent.com
Above: A large area of clutter in my “office.” It’s not really my office. It’s more like a storage room, for clutter.
16. My home contains various piles of clutter.
Something that has always been true of me is that I seem good at amassing piles of clutter. I would probably not make a very effective organizational consultant. For those who are excessively organized, though, I am ready and willing to serve as a disorganizational consultant.
Below is my business plan.
Business Plan – Kent Roberts Clutter Accrual Services, LLC
Investment Sought: Seeking funding to meet but not exceed $170.
Investment Payoff: Investor will not have their cash returned but will instead receive three free cluttering appointments (market value of $207).
Phase 1 of business (2013-2016): Convince target demographic (excessively organized individuals oppressed by the lack of clutter in their homes and offices), via $170 of educational pamphlet distribution, that they are missing out.
Phase 2 of business (2016-2058): Sell interested parties a 5-minute service in which I go into the client’s home or office and create various piles of clutter. **Combo specials available and recommended.
Legal: Prior to my entry, clients should sign a waiver foregoing any retaliation for personal items that become broken, torn, torched, flushed, or mutilated during the cluttering process.
Thing 1: I love looking at the water.
Thing 2: I’m in a “Trying to Become Wiser” phase.
Thing 3: I have awful follow-through.
Thing 4: I enjoy thinking.
Thing 5: I can learn from turtles.
Thing 6: I have plans to go camping.
Thing 7: I am perpetually dissatisfied.
Thing 8: I’m learning to embrace my mistakes.
Thing 9: I am learning yoga.
Thing 10: I found a new sport.
Thing 11: I forget strange things I do.
Thing 12: I would appreciate if society would treat me as a premature baby (except the lack of rights part).
Thing 13: My preference is to eat constantly.
Thing 14: Parallel Olympic reality better than mine.
Thing 15: I can’t decide how many people I want to understand me.
Thing 16: My home contains various piles of clutter.
About the Author
Kent Roberts is an actor, comedian, and author. He has contributed humor to The Onion (regularly) and The New York Times.
About “22 things you should know about me”:
This piece targets all *Kent* readers, including me (first reader of all *Kent* content). This approach allows me to present things I might not know about myself. We can learn about me together. “22 Things” was inspired by a talk with my friend Eric, referencing a book called something like 33 Things You Should Know (eg, “Nothing good happens quickly” — terrible information, really).