Kent

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.” – Parkinson’s Law (Cyril Northcote Parkinson)

“Kent expands so as to fill the readership available for its perusal.”

– Kent’s Law (Kentself)  

Today Kent Roberts, spokesperson & spokesmodel (primarily hands, with a cuticles subfocus) for the Kent newsletter, announces that his publication will be sent far and wide across the land.

“I have decided to send out some tweets,” says Roberts. “Maybe also a press release. Wait … OK, what I’ll do is I will first write a press release, and then I will send out a tweet that says, ‘I just wrote a press release.’ Then I will write a Facebook post that says, ‘Hey, check it out: I just wrote a tweet.’ Then I will blog about my Facebook post. Then I will tweet about the blog about the post about the tweet. Finally, I will hold a YouTube press conference to announce the circular tweeting and posting about the press release. It will additionally mention the content of the press release, which will be an announcement about the tweeting and Facebook posting.”

Kent: What do you mean? Is this the beginning of the interview?

Kent: Yes. The most important thing I can do for you and for myself is to listen to you. In fact, at the risk of sounding totally gay for you, I want you to know that I would like to dedicate my life to learning how to best listen to you and serve your needs.

Kent: I really appreciate that.

Kent: Good. I was worried that you would judge me for being so dedicated to you – like I want to be your secretary or something.

Kent: I think the term is administrative assistant.

Kent: Um… does that mean you’re hiring me?

Kent: You can do whatever you want. I think it’s clear you won’t receive a salary.

Kent: I don’t think that was clear.

Kent: You think I’m going to pay you to do… I guess, sure, that’s fine – I’ll pay you.

Kent: I was just testing you there. I want to do this on a volunteer basis.

Kent: Uh… You want to do office chores for me—is that what you mean?

Kent: I like to do all of the kinds of things that you don’t like to do. I want to free up your time to be able to write, and think about things, and make videos, and go to the park and sit, and –

Kent: Well, I think you know I don’t go to the park and sit.

Kent: Because you’re too busy doing the things that I am now going to be doing for you.

Kent: Well… [Sigh] I don’t think this is going to work.

Kent: We have to try it though. Who wants to go through their whole life doing all of this kind of mundane horrible stuff, like doing the dishes and writing out checks to the electric company and transferring junk mail from the mailbox to the dumpster. Who does? I do. I do, for the right man. You are that man.

Kent: You specifically care about helping me. You want to dedicate your life to helping me with the most boring, soul-sucking stuff.

Kent: Yes.

Kent: Just because I’m me.

Kent: I think so. Or maybe because both of us are me. But that sounds a little selfish. It sounds like I just want to help Kent Roberts out to help myself out. No: I want to help Kent Roberts out to help Kent Roberts out.

Kent: I don’t… think that’s possible.

Kent: Not unless you try.

Kent: Oh, now you’re asking for a commitment from me? I thought this was something that you were doing yourself.

Kent: Well, as you can imagine, I need your assistance. If we are divided, that ends up being a severe problem. We start to unravel – both of us do.

Kent: I don’t see why both of us should unravel just because I disagree with some crazy idea you have about helping me.

Kent: Sir, it is the nature of yarn. Don’t deny your roots.

Kent: That’s completely nonsensical. What exactly is the rabbit hole? I am beginning to think that you never know you are going into the rabbit hole. You just know you’ve gone through it at a certain point. At some point I went through the rabbit hole. I remember it clearly.

Kent: I thought I was playing the crazy one.

Kent: I’m trying to connect with you, dude. Give me a chance.

(Volume 11, Issue 3: May 15, 2012)

by Kent

TGIKent.com

Kent wonders if shaving his face is necessary.

(Volume 11, Issue 2: April 2012)

TGIKent.com

I went out on a second date the other night. My date and I ran into a friend of mine who had previously told me that he had cancer.

My friend was moderately drunk. After speaking with my date and me a bit, he revealed that he had terminal cancer and was going to be having surgery in a couple days. Devastating? Yes. Desired third-party disclosure during second date? No.

Our cancer talk lasted about 45 minutes, interrupted at one point by my friend’s offhanded recommendation to visit “bikini bar” Club Lust and order a lap dance from a black teenager. The message here was, “Life is short, so make sure you get a few lap dances.”

The entire interaction ended in my friend departing suddenly after making a sarcastic joke about the size of my genitals, despite never having engaged them in love, war, and/or late-night art photography.

About 30 minutes later, I walked my date back to her car. She started shaking a little bit. There were tears running down her cheeks.

“Um … this isn’t about me, is it?” I said. “It’s the cancer.

She gasped between a steady flow of tears. “Yeah, maybe.”

My date drove away, and I walked over to Club Lust.

Not really.

Afterword: It’s hard to know how to respond to another person’s terrible illness when you are so self-absorbed that you have created news media about yourself. Though I wanted to record this bizarre incident, I have not seen my friend since. I hope he is recovering well; and that he finds this piece amusing.

I have not had any alcohol in 6 weeks. My new addictions include the following:

• Books readin’
• Coffee drinkin’
• Workin’
• Belongings organizin’
• Personal future considerin’
• Armchair philosophizin’
• Idle addiction assessin’
• Sighin’
• Groanin’
• Simultaneous sigh and groan attemptin’.